Illicit Desires (Illicit #1) Read online

  "Nothing," I said.

  "C'mon, Adri boy, tell me what's going on with you?"

  Why does everybody care so much all of a sudden? Fucking leave me alone!

  "I said nothing," I repeated through clenched teeth. "I'm fine." I laid back on the grass and folded my arms behind me, then rested my head on them, closing my eyes.

  "I think I know what's going on with him," Elliot said.

  "Yeah?" Ian asked.

  "Yeah! Adri here has been beating his meat too many times the last couple of years since he can't find a pussy to wet his dick. I'm telling you, his dick has started to fall off, that's why he's so off," Elliot explained.

  "Shut up, bitch!" I said without opening my eyes as they chuckled.

  "Oh my God! Is that true, Adri? Are you going blind, too?" Sean asked. I felt his voice closer and louder. When I opened my eyes, I saw him hovering on top of me. "How many fingers am I holding up?" he asked as he showed me his middle finger.

  "Asshole!" I kicked him in the stomach with my foot, causing him to fall on his back.

  They kept on laughing and it pissed me off even more, so I got up and left them. "Oh, c'mon, Adri, we were just joking, don't be such a girl."

  "Fuckers." I flipped them off as I walked away. They kept laughing like the assholes they were. I shoved my hands deep in my pockets. What do they know anyway? Bunch of suckers.

  "Hey, Dad." I entered my dad's office.

  "Adrian! To what do I owe the pleasure?" he asked with a smile, after he looked up from his computer.

  "I need some money."

  "Ah! Of course. But can I ask why?"

  "Yeah, I'm taking a girl out tonight, and I thought it'd be better if I had enough money to take her to a nice place." I shrugged.

  "Oh! Taking a girl out as in a … date?"

  "Yep!"

  "Adrian, you know very well that you can't date as long as your sister can't. It's only fair if you wait until she's allowed to date, too."

  I sighed. "My sister is okay with it, Dad. I already asked her about it." She asked me herself to date, Dad. She fucking wants me to fuck someone else into forgetting my feelings for her. Well, she didn't say it in those words, but it was obvious.

  I was so pissed. Did she think that I hadn't thought about that before? Of course I fucking did! But I could never hurt someone by having an emotionless relationship just to satisfy my needs. I wasn't Ian.

  I wanted to tell her to fuck off and that it was none of her business, but I saw something flash in her eyes when I asked her if she was asking me to fuck someone until I forgot about her. I dared to think it was jealousy. My thoughts were confirmed when I told her that I was going to do exactly that tonight.

  Fine by me. Maybe that was what she needed to see to know that she wanted me too. I'd fuck someone to get it into her fucking head.

  "I don't know, Adrian. I have to hear it from her myself," Dad said.

  I sighed and grabbed my phone, then started texting her.

  Dad's office, NOW ~A

  After a moment my phone flashed with her reply.

  Say the magic word, asshole. ~L

  Bitch!

  I started texting again, very aware of my dad's frown as he eyed me while I typed.

  Please. ~A

  I heard the knock, right after I hit send.

  "What's going on?" she asked.

  "Hey, sweetie, I was wondering if you're okay with your brother going out on a date?"

  The fuck?! Like I need her fucking permission!

  She looked at me, and I sneered at her. "Uh, yeah, Dad. Sure. Why not?"

  "Lily, I'm sorry, but this won’t mean you are allowed to date, too," Dad explained, pressing his lips together in a tight, thin line.

  Damn right she can't; I'd fucking kill the fucker.

  "Yeah … I know. Whatever," she said and left the office.

  "Well, son, here you go." He stood up and handed me a hundred bucks and smiled, "Be a gentleman, okay? No funny business, and treat the lady well."

  "Whoa, Dad! Thanks!" I smiled. "Will do."

  My thumb kept on hovering over two names in my contacts. I didn't know who I should dial. This or that … Sarah? Or Emma?

  They were both blondes … not my favorite type; I liked brunettes. But the only brunettes I knew who appealed even a little to me were annoying, and I couldn't take their shit whatsoever.

  Sarah had a voice that reminded me of that chick Janice from Friends… Ugh! I didn't know if I could stomach that. Emma wore too much makeup, and it was maddening to look at her sometimes… I thought I could live with that.

  Sarah had green eyes, and I liked that. Emma had blue ones. I just didn't know. Sarah had freaky big tits. Emma had nice ones, which were similar to Lily's.

  Bingo!

  "Adrian! What a pleasant surprise!" I thought I heard her squeal a little on the other end of the line.

  "Hey, Emma. Listen, I was wondering if you wanted to go out and, uh, have dinner with me?" I asked. Why was my throat dry all of a sudden?

  "Uh, d-dinner?"

  "Yeah,"

  "As in a d-date?"

  "Um, yeah… What do you say?"

  "Oh my God!" she gushed, and I frowned into the phone. "Um, yeah of course, yes, sure, yeah, I mean, okay, yes."

  "Cool. I'll pick you up in thirty."

  "Now?!"

  "Uh, yeah … I mean, if it's okay with you?"

  "Oh my God, yes, it's so okay, I'll be waiting."

  "Great!" I said and hung up. I sat on the edge of my bed and buried my head in my hands. What the fuck are you doing, Adrian? I didn't like that! I didn't fucking want to be with anyone else. I only wanted her! And no one but her …What should I do?

  Dating meant dinners, kissing and fucking touching. And I didn't want any of that … I never wanted any of that. But then again, what else did I have? Absolutely nothing, nothing at all.

  It wasn't healthy to just sit there and wait for what I could never have, was it? Should I spend my whole life doing nothing but drooling over my sister? That wasn't a life. I didn't know what should I do, I was fucking lost!

  It became a little bit easier as the days passed … Emma was a nice girl; there was no reason at all for me not to like her, I actually did like her, and she liked me too. A lot.

  Our friends were happy with us dating, especially Julia, who loved Emma dearly. She said something like 'about time' when we announced ourselves as a couple, whatever that meant. Ian said that 'our talk' made more sense now. He thought I'd been talking about Emma the other day, and that I said I couldn't have her because we were friends and it might ruin our friendship if things didn't work out. Whatever he wanted to believe, fine by me. Everyone was thrilled about it … well, everyone but Lily.

  If anyone knew how to read Lily, that'd be me. And one of those things I knew was when she was faking. She was all smiling and 'I'm so happy for you guys,' but her eyes screamed, 'I'm faking it, I hate to see the two of you together.'

  I could see from the corner of my eye every time I kissed Emma that she was looking at us, closely. And every time I looked at her, she would look away and busy herself in whatever. I didn't like how she started to look. She wasn't eating well, and she became a bit skinnier, I didn't know if I liked to think that that was out of jealousy or not.

  But seriously, jealous or not, I wanted her to stay healthy. I didn't want that – whatever it was – to affect her health by any means. But then again, maybe it was all in my mind, maybe I was delusional, and she wasn't jealous by any means. I didn't know anything…

  A few weeks later, I was shaving when she entered the bathroom. I didn't lock her door when I went in there myself since I was only going to shave and take a quick shower. I really didn't expect her to need the bathroom that late at night.

  She backed away the second she saw me, murmuring a small, "Sorry.'' We weren't talking that much, as had become our usual, other than a few words or curses every now and then. Though Lily was terribly silent these
days, and it was driving me insane.

  "Hey, you can come in, I'm almost done," I said as I looked at her reflection in the mirror in front of me, noticing the hairbrush in her hand.

  "I was just gonna get ready for bed," she said quietly, and I shrugged. It was very late for her to get ready for bed; it was almost one in the morning.

  She got in there and stood by her sink, opposite from mine. She looked at me in the reflection of her mirror, and when she saw me looking back at her reflection in mine, she looked away.

  I watched her as she brushed her soft locks of hair, then tied it in a loose ponytail. Every now and then her eyes would catch mine while she washed her face and I continued shaving, or mine would catch hers. We would look away, then do it all over again.

  She was brushing her teeth when I caught her staring at my reflection without looking away. "What?" I asked.

  She leaned down and spit into her sink, rinsed her mouth, then dried her lips with one of the small towels on top of her counter. "Why are you shaving after midnight?"

  I wanted to make a little comment about how it was none of her fucking business, but figured I had a better answer for that. "I'm going out."

  "Going out?! Where?" She turned around, facing my back, and talked to me through my reflection in my mirror.

  "Emma's parents are out of town for the weekend, and her sister just fell asleep. We've been waiting for a chance like that for weeks now, so … I'm going to pay her a visit.'' I glanced at her, wanting to see her reaction to my words.

  I saw nothing. Her eyes were fixed on the floor, her face was blank, and I couldn't tell what she was thinking. "Oh!" she finally said. "So, tonight is … the night." She swallowed thickly, still not looking at me, and it came out more like a statement she'd whispered almost just to herself.

  "Yeah," I said as I put on my aftershave. It stung like a bitch but I was too busy watching Lily's expression to care about the sting. She just stood there, frozen, looking at the floor and breathing heavily. I turned around and faced her, leaning back on my counter and resting both of my hands on it, waiting for her to say something—anything.

  Nothing.

  "Is there is something you want to tell me, Lily?" I asked after what felt like two years of waiting for her to say something.

  She kept on being silent, saying nothing. It seemed like she was having an inner fight or something like that. I saw her lips moving, but she was whispering something only to herself. I couldn't make it out, but I heard something that seemed similar to the words 'not normal.'

  I couldn't reply since I didn't know if she'd said those exact words or not. Maybe I'd heard her wrong, I didn't fucking know.

  'Not normal' – fuck right, we were not fucking normal, hell, who in the world would talk to his sister about his upcoming night, wanting her to realize he's going to have sex, only to see if she'd be jealous because it would mean that she fucking had other feelings for her brother?

  "Lily?" I whispered. Just fucking tell me not to do it and I fucking won't!

  Her eyes moved slowly to meet mine, and I could swear I saw them glistening like she was on the edge of crying. "Have f-fun," she said in a whisper.

  I felt like she had just slapped me in the face. Was that it? I nodded slowly after a moment, our eyes still locked together. The silence was so loud it almost hurt my ears.

  "I will," I said, and before I knew it, Lily was in my arms. Her arms surrounding my neck, hugging me tightly to her chest, her head buried in the crock of my neck, and the part of her chest and arms that her small tank top didn't cover were flat to my naked chest.

  It had been too long, too fucking long since I'd held her that close to me; my heart was pounding so strongly in my chest.

  Will she tell me now? Will she? I couldn't hug her back. Even if it was what I wanted to do the most, I couldn't hug her, simply because I didn't know if I could ever stop if I did. I mean, c'mon! She was hugging me so tightly I could almost feel every part of her hot body, and it wasn't the innocent hug that siblings shared by any means – it was more.

  And she was doing it so fucking willingly! Fuck!

  I heard her, fuck, I felt her inhaling deeply, then she fucking nuzzled my neck with her nose, before her lips brushed my neck so ever lightly. I about fucking lost it right then and there. My hands gripped more tightly onto the counter behind me, and I squeezed my eyes tightly shut it almost hurt.

  As she backed away, her left hand rested on my chest and the other touched my cheek softly. I opened my eyes to find hers staring at me – my eyes, my lips … then my eyes only to go back to my lips.

  I wanted to kiss her, so fucking bad, but … I promised. I was not going to make the first move; I wouldn't! I fucking wouldn't!

  I think she’s already made the first move.

  Shut up!

  She moved her hand slowly down my cheek to my neck and smiled softly, a smile that didn't reach her eyes, then she fucking turned around to leave.

  The fuck?!

  I held her arm and stopped her. Her head snapped up to look at me, surprised, confused. "What the fuck was that?" I asked through clenched teeth.

  "What? Ow!" She winced and tried to shrug her arm away from my hand, but I tightened my grip on her arm more so as not to let her go.

  "You know what the fuck I'm talking about!"

  "Ouch, you mean the hug? I was just hugging you good luck! Let me go!"

  Hugging me good luck, my fucking ass!

  "Really?!"

  "Yes! Really! Let me go! You're hurting me!"

  "Don't you fucking touch me ever again! Do you hear me?!"

  She just stared at me, still trying to release her arm.

  "I said, do you fucking hear me?"

  "Yes! Let go of me, asshole!"

  I let go of her. I knew it wasn't right to grip her like that, but I was fucking pissed! How could she give me mixed signals over and over again, every freaking once in a while? Why the fuck was she doing that to me? She knew very well what she meant to me, and what being close to her did to me.

  So why on earth did she enjoy watching me suffer?

  Fuck her!

  You wish.

  Shut up!

  Maybe Lily was right after all, maybe dating was what I really needed. But then again, I still felt something missing. A big something.

  Having Emma was like eating soy instead of beef: it kept you full, but never satisfied. Emma filled some of my needs, but it felt wrong. So wrong.

  There was blonde where there should be brown, there was blue where there should be green, there was … Emma when it should be Lily.

  God! Am I never going to get over her?! I became more accepting of the fact that I could never have Lily, I mean, with Emma and me together and all. Maybe that was how I should live, hell, it was how I should live; it was the right thing. To be with anyone but my sister.

  Emma wasn't so bad; actually, she wasn't bad at all. Yeah, sex wasn't that perfect at first, but we were both virgins. We learned how to make things together, and it was getting better over time.

  But she wasn't Lily…

  I stopped giving Lily a hard time about whatever. She didn't seem to be doing very well after that night in the bathroom, and I really hated what I did to her so very much. I shouldn't have gripped her arm like that, but she made me so fucking mad!

  I now had a clear vision of Lily's point of view when it came to us being together as more than just a brother and sister. The jealousy and annoyance in Lily's eyes, every time she saw me doing something as simple as holding hands with Emma, made me sure that she had other feelings for me.

  But she was doing what she thought was the right thing. Well, what she was doing the right thing, but I didn't like it. I wanted to do the wrong thing. She wanted me, but she knew it wasn't right to be with me.

  Well, fuck her for denying us both the happiness we could be living in right now!

  And, maybe I was just being delusional again, just wishful thinking, it was all in my he
ad anyway, no proof.

  "Adrian, please, please, I wanna ride this too, please?" Emma begged for what felt like the millionth time. It had started to become annoying.

  "Emma, please, I said no!" How many times do I have to tell her no?

  "But, honey, it's so much fun, and Lily will be okay!" she whined.

  "I'm not leaving my sister standing all by herself here, okay?"

  "It's okay, Adrian! I'm fine," Lily said.

  "Shut up!" I shushed her.

  "Idiot." She started walking away.

  "Lily, fucking wait, don't walk on your own!" I called after her.

  "I'm not a child!" she spat over her shoulder.

  "Emma, please, go ride with Ian, he won't mind. I'm sorry," I said in a hurry and left her pouting, after I patted her cheek.

  "Would you slow the fuck down?!" I yelled, causing many people to look at me, frowning. Maybe I flipped them off, I might add.

  "Lily, wait!" I finally reached her.

  "I don't want you to babysit me, Adrian!" she spat, her voice cracking a little at the end.

  "Why are you being so fucking dramatic?!"

  "I'm not, so fuck off, okay?!"

  I let out a long huff and sighed in frustration. She was really being unbelievable!

  Everyone but her was having a good time. The carnival we'd all been waiting for, for a long time was finally here, and we all went there, to do what? Have fun! But of course, Lily had to be such a fucking drama queen and act all bitchy with the seven of us, not just me like always. I didn't know what was wrong with her.

  When it came to the rollercoaster, she just lost it. She yelled at everyone not to ride it. They didn't understand her, but I sure did. No one listened to her, of course, they all got in line. But I couldn't just leave her there and ride with Emma.

  I knew very well she wouldn't ever join us, not in a million years. You see, Lily had a phobia of rollercoasters!

  When we were kids, someone stupid told her a scary story about them. I didn't know why the fuck she still believed it. She was almost eighteen, for fuck's sake!

  "You know very well that I'm not leaving you," I said quietly as I followed her. She just huffed and kept on walking.