Illicit Desires (Illicit #1) Read online

  "Ouch!" I whined as I rubbed the back of my head. "What the hell did you do that for?"

  "Don't you freaking dare say or even think about that again. Do you freaking hear me?" she said through clenched teeth, pointing her finger at my face.

  I wanted to answer, but before I could say anything, I saw her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

  What the fuck did I say?

  "Hey!" I reached for her hand to comfort her, but she shrugged it away roughly and ran to her room. I ran after her right away and was barely able to catch the door before she closed it right in my face. She threw herself on the bed and buried her head in her pillow, both ignoring my presence and delivering the message that it wasn't appreciated.

  I didn't know any other way to comfort her except to lay beside her on the bed, and I didn't want to do that, of course. Nevertheless, I took a deep breath and got into the bed with her. I reached for her hidden face to remove a lock of hair away from it, but she shrugged my hand away angrily. That was not her typical avoidance of my touch. No, that reaction was full of anger.

  I sighed and then tried again. This time, thankfully, she didn't shrug my hand away, though, in a way, I wished she had. I saw her tears then.

  "Hey, Lily, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

  "None of your business!"

  "Hey, c'mon. What did I say?" I asked in confusion, causing her to sit up and face me.

  Her eyes were red, her nose was pink, and she looked all flushed; tears were streaming down her cheeks. "You don't even know what you just said?" she started. ''How could you say such a thing? How could you even think about it?"

  "About what? You're confusing me!"

  "Y—you thought about killing yourself?" a big fat tear escaped one of her eyes.

  Oh! That…

  "Lily, I—" Before I could finish, she interrupted me by throwing her body into my arms.

  "How could you?" she sobbed into my chest. I surrounded her body with my arms after taking in yet another deep breath, moving my hand over her hair.

  "It's nothing, Lily… It was just a thought…"

  "How could you?" she repeated.

  "Shh… It's really nothing, baby sis." I don’t remember the last time I had even called her that. "It was just a crazy thought, and it's gone now."

  She looked up at me. "When?"

  "When what?"

  "When did you think about that horrible thing? You're only sixteen for God's sake!"

  "I don't remember," I lied.

  "Why didn't you tell me that there was something bothering you? We tell each other everything, Adrian!"

  Well, you weren't speaking to me then, but yeah… I wouldn't tell you what was bothering me then even if we were talking. "Because it is nothing; I keep telling you this, but you don't want to listen!"

  She hugged me again, sobbing into my shoulder. "Please, Adrian. Don't ever think about that again. Don't you realize that I could never live without you? Don't you know how much I love you?"

  I sighed as I kept on smoothing her hair. "I know, and I love you too, baby sis. I'm sorry!"

  We stayed like that for a while as Lily silently cried into my chest while I rocked us back and forth slightly, as I kept on smoothing her beautiful, silky hair.

  "Hush now, baby sis. You've been crying too long. You don't want Mom to come back and see you like this, do you?"

  She shook her head slightly, and after a while, she stopped crying. I heard her steady breaths later on as she slept in my arms.

  My sweet little—sexy—sister.

  Oh fuck! Back to yearning over her again!

  Before things could get hard, I started to get out of the bed, laying her carefully on her pillow. Just as I was doing that, though, she gripped my arm. "Don't go!" she whispered without opening her eyes.

  Well… Fuck me!

  I knew it wasn't a good idea, but I couldn't say no to her. When I lay back on her bed, she cuddled into my body. I meant to leave as soon as I was completely sure that she was in a deep sleep and wouldn't wake up once I left, but fate had other plans for me.

  Being that close to her was really not that easy on me; I was … suffering. The warmth of her body, the hotness of her breath oh so very close to my neck… I almost came in my pants—…again!

  I turned her around so her back was facing me and positioned my left arm on her waist just like I always did before that summer.

  I only wanted her breasts that were pressed firmly to my chest to move away; I was losing my mind from the feeling of them. Little did I know that it would only make things worse.

  Her ass—her perfect, round ass—was just an inch away from my hard-as-a-rock dick. I sat up using my right hand to support me. My elbow pressed into the pillow, my hand rested under the side of my forehead, and my fingers tangled in my hair. I tried to be as distant as possible from her, without leaving her, until she was fully asleep.

  Deep inside me, I knew she was already sound asleep; I knew her very well, and everything about her from those steady breaths to that small parting between her lips told me that. Yet, I stayed.

  I swear I only meant to look at her, but my sick mind wanted more; I yearned to touch her. Any part of her.

  —This is your sister.

  Just one touch.

  —Your baby sister.

  Just one sniff of her neck.

  —Your twin.

  Just one kiss on that pale, bare shoulder.

  —This is not right.

  Just one feel!

  —You can't do that.

  She wouldn't know.

  —Don't you dare touch her.

  My thoughts fought against each other. My mind fought my desire, my heart fought my dick, and my lust fought my reason.

  Even in her sleep, she was the sexiest woman I'd ever laid eyes on.

  Girl! She's just a girl; she’s not a woman, and she's your fucking sister!

  Apparently, my conscience was somewhere else that night, because my bad side won. I moved my left hand to remove more wayward locks of hair that were covering too much of her face and neck, pulled them behind her ear, and trailed my fingertips down her swan-like neck.

  So smooth and perfect.

  I leaned in just a little and touched my lips to the side of her neck where my fingertips had just left. She was so warm, and she tasted oh so fucking good. I moaned at the feeling and, involuntarily, my hips jerked a little until I found myself grinding my cock slightly into her pants-covered ass.

  This is so fucking wrong, but feels so fucking good!

  My hand went down to the strap of her olive tank top and I found myself slowly taking it down her arm. I wanted to undress her and drown myself in the sweetness of her body. Then, suddenly, it was too much of a line for me to cross, so I settled on reaching a shaky hand to touch her left breast.

  Fuck. Me.

  Her breast was so fucking soft and fit just perfectly in my hand as I touched it through the thin material of her tank top. I let out another hushed moan at the feel of her and made another involuntary movement as I ground into her ass.

  The feeling of her nipple hardening under my touch made me squeeze a little bit harder, but I was still careful to not wake her up and end this forbidden bliss. I covered my mouth with my hand and bit down on the side of my pointer finger. The furrow between my eyebrows and the squeezing of my eyes was almost painful as I jizzed my pajama pants silently with one last jerk of my hips into her body.

  Moments later, after I had come down from my high, I moved a little away from her. Suddenly, guilt, regret and shame flashed through my mind, and it wasn’t enjoyable.

  It wasn't anything like I felt the day after I’d kissed her; it was a million times worse. I felt my stomach turning and rose up from the bed as though it had suddenly burned me. I felt tears aching to escape my eyes as I looked down at her, sleeping peacefully.

  I just molested my sister…

  His hand was touching my body, wandering on my back and my side. His hand was s
o warm and soft—almost matching the warmth and softness of my skin. The only difference was how manly it felt. So good!

  His hand moved then to touch my backside, rubbing it, kneading it, and driving me crazy in the process. So freaking good!

  I didn't want to keep my back facing his chest. The wetness between my legs was becoming unbearable, and I wanted more. Turning around to face him with my eyes still closed, he pressed his lips to mine, taking me in a passionate kiss.

  I pulled away after a few moments, gasping for air, and opened my eyes lazily to meet his. I was met with piercing green eyes that matched mine in both their color and lustful look.

  "Mornin', baby sis," he whispered.

  I woke up with a huge gasp that almost hurt my throat.

  Darn it! What the heck is wrong with me?

  I'd been having sexual dreams for a few months, and it was driving me insane.

  I knew lots of teenagers have those kinds of dreams, and it was perfectly normal since I was almost seventeen and all, but that's not what was bothering me. It was the fact that I only had them with one guy—my brother.

  I know! I know! It was sick and pretty much twisted, but I didn't know what was wrong with me. I had absolutely no control over it, and I knew that it was not normal. I didn't know if it had anything to do with Adrian's behavior towards me, but I knew that it started that night I thought we'd gotten back to normal.

  You see, after he kissed me that day, I was really mad at him. I felt sick at the thought of my brother kissing me. I didn't talk to him for seven long days; I didn’t know what we could say or do after what had happened.

  From my side, not only was I mad, but all of my thoughts were on a repetitive loop.

  What the heck? Was he out of his mind? I knew we were very close and all, but not that close.

  From his side, I knew he was embarrassed; it was written all over his face that he was, but then again there were other emotions that I couldn't understand. I missed him in those days. We'd fought before, and we'd argued a lot, but we had never gone so long without talking to each other, and it was really awful.

  When he talked to me again and apologized, I forgave him. But, I just couldn't put my finger on why he had done that in the first place. I just wanted to know what the heck he had been thinking. And I asked him just that. I wasn't stupid, and I didn't know how he could think I would buy it. I woke him up that day for God's sake! I knew he’d had nothing to drink that could make him lose his mind like that—not alcohol. Not even freaking rotten milk!

  Even if I had missed him for a minute, I still never smelled scotch on his breath, so I really knew I hadn't missed anything after all. I simply let it go. I didn't know what the reason was, but I didn't want to embarrass my brother any more either. Then again, I could say that he was just happy and got lost in the feeling that the dizziness of the ocean brought to mind. After all, I'd admitted it to myself that I did kiss him back.

  And until that moment, almost three years later, I still didn't know why.

  I spent a whole year with Adrian being like a stranger to me. Things were never the same; we were like any regular brother and sister, maybe even less so, and that was never us. We are twins for God's sake. We share the same soul and every other thing as well. I loved him more than I loved the air that kept me alive, and I knew that he felt the same way about me. So, what we became was anything but normal. Not for us.

  It was very rare for us to spend time together anymore. I tried, and I think he tried too, but it was always in vain. I kept on remembering that kiss, and that always made Adrian look a little bit different in my eyes, so I backed away, and ended up practically without him in my life.

  That changed the day when we watched the movie, Romeo and Juliet, together. It was an emotional night; he told me something that I would prefer to never think about again because I could never handle it if it ever—God forbid—actually happened.

  I slept in his arms again finally. It had been too long, and after so many lonely nights; I’d had a desperate need to be beside him, which I had been fighting with everything in me for some reason. It was wonderful to be able to feel his warm embrace while I slept. The peace and the simple feeling of safety brought by his closeness were things I'd craved for a very long time.

  However, all of that ended the second I woke up to the sound of him in our bathroom. I hurried to him in the bathroom that we shared, which connected his room with mine, and I found him on the floor with his head hovering over the toilet while he howled and heaved over and over again. I assumed that he had just thrown up, but he didn't seem to be able to stop, even though there was nothing coming out of his mouth any more.

  I tried helping him like any person who cares for another would do—let alone his own sister—but he refused. He wouldn't even look me in the eye.

  When he finally sat back on the floor and met my eyes, I saw his were glistening with tears; they were real tears too—not those which would have been caused by throwing up. No, they were sad, suffering tears. "I'm sorry!" he sobbed.

  "It's okay, Adrian. Are you okay?" I assumed he was apologizing for throwing up.

  "I'm so sorry!" he repeated again in a choked voice, tears now streaming down his cheeks.

  "Hey, Adrian, it's okay, Angel. Don't worry about it." I was really upset to see him that way.

  "Forgive me. Oh, God. Please, forgive me," he begged with the saddest tone I'd ever heard from him as he buried his head between his hands.

  "Hey, it's going to be okay. Shh." I took him into my arms, since I was already kneeling beside him on the cold bathroom floor. I buried his head in my chest and smoothed his hair with my hand. Then, I kissed the top of his head—still not knowing what he had really meant by those words.

  Does he want me to forgive him for throwing up in my toilet? What the heck? That's really overly dramatic, and that is so not Adrian!

  For a moment, Adrian stopped breathing, and before I could blink he was fiercely pushing me away from him.

  As he stared at me, I could swear his eyes were almost pitch-black and not green.

  He stood up and looked down at me with more hate and anger than I could ever think my beloved brother could hold for me. "Stay the fuck away from me!" he snarled roughly.

  "Adrian?"

  "Don't you fucking touch me again!"

  "Adrian, Wh—"

  “Don’t you ever come near me ever again! Do you fucking hear me?”

  I stared at him with wide eyes and a gaping mouth, not knowing what on earth possessed him. That was not my brother, never my brother. I didn't know who it was; this one scared me and made me feel … dead.

  Tears made their way down my face as I felt the hatred that he was sending to me in strong waves, not knowing why he was acting like that or what I had done to cause it. He left me there—confused, crying, hurt, and broken.

  That was the last night I ever felt my brother's love. The love I felt when he held me and wiped my tears away. And, it was the first night I ever felt my brother's hatred towards me. He pushed me away and yelled at me for trying to comfort him!

  Over the next few months, Adrian made sure that I knew how much he hated me. We had never been the kind of siblings to fight over everything and nothing, but suddenly we were.

  He fought with me about school, gym, housework, homework, how I dressed, how I put makeup on, and even how I walked. It seemed like everything I did got on his nerves; everything I did was wrong in his eyes. We simply wouldn't stop fighting, and he just wouldn't stop hurting my feelings.

  What hurt the most was that Adrian had been the only one who soothed me when Mom or anyone else annoyed me. He had become one of them, and it felt like I had no one.

  Yes, I still had my friends, Sandra and Julia, but Adrian had always been something else. He always got me, but he was no longer the shoulder I could cry on… I could only suffer in silence. When it became really bad and I couldn't take his crap anymore, I'd go to Dad and cry on his shoulder instead, only to h
ear the same answer: "Your brother is facing lots of changes like any other teenager—physically and emotionally—and it's just a matter of time until he'll be back to normal."

  Yeah … okay! I'm a teenager too, and I'm nothing like that.

  "It's a little different with boys," my Dad added, replying to my unspoken thought.

  With time, I learned to simply avoid Adrian, and when our paths would cross, I'd suck it up and try not to start a fight when he bugged me. It wasn't my style; I never took idiocy from anyone, but this was Adrian. I had to help him through that "rough time" until it passed someday.

  "Guys, please! I don't wanna watch that!" I hate horror movies; I really hate them.

  "Oh, c'mon. It's just a movie! You're too old for this!" Julia said as she applied more pink lip gloss while staring at the small mirror in her hand.

  "No, I'm not. I'm not even old enough to watch that. As a matter of fact, none of us are except for you and Sean!"

  "Lily, relax! It. Is. Just. A. Movie," Sandra assured me, talking slowly as if talking to a child. "And you're going to be eighteen in a few months, dude, remember?"

  "But, you guys know that it scares me and that I'll think about it for weeks."

  "Honey, we don't have any other options; it’s either this or Toy Story 3," Emma said. Even though I had told her not to "honey" me a million times, she still did it anyway.

  Emma wasn't actually my friend, nor was she Sandra's, but she was the Browns' cousin, and Julia loved her, so we just had to live with it … a lot, since she went to the same school with us and all.

  "What is wrong with Toy Story 3?" I asked, desperate for them to change their minds about it.

  They all gave me the "Seriously?" look.

  "If Ian was here, he would agree with me," I murmured sadly.

  "Yeah, too bad he got the flu and couldn't come," Elliot said, announcing that the boys were back with the tickets.

  "Maybe I should go see him while you guys watch the movie, and then you could come and pick me up," I suggested.

  "Absolutely not!" Adrian said.

  "Why not? His house is just ten minutes away!"

  "Mom and Dad said that we can't separate. That's the only reason Mom agreed in the first place. Plus, I'll never let you go alone!"